How Afraid I Am To Love You
by MyNameDontMatter
Summary: Written during the night Ruby and Sapphire spent in the cave after running away from homeworld. Mostly a monologue about how I imagine Ruby was feeling. Rated T for extreme feels about love and fear.


**Absense, absence blah blah blah, I have been working on some new projects in my absence. One of which is really cool, but I'm trying to finish up everything else on here before starting more. However I just sort of had a break down and this sort of helped me bring closure to it.**

 **Funnily enough, I thought I was going to be writing some Pearl, and about some Pearl and Rose stuff, but my fingers started typing and Ruby's voice came out so hopefully I did ok with her. The subject of my emotions (which create incredibly good plots, I must say) is a bit obvious and you'll know why I wrote a lil Ruby monologue, so I hope I translated it into her situation in a way that makes sense.**

I cried silent tears into the deep darkness of the night. I knew it. I saw all these things coming and I knew it. And I did them anyway.

What else could I have done? I wasn't about to watch her die, though she was perfectly ready to stare into my eyes until the final blow. But how could I help it? She's so…

My thoughts stopped as I looked back at the blue gem behind me, safe and unharmed. She was laying down on her back probably having similar thoughts. not similar in topic of course, but thinking, like this.

 _Beautiful._

That was the only word that could accurately describe Sapphire. She was, in all forms, beautiful. I'd known from the minute I saw her. I'd always known I'd liked other gems. If I didn't have to I wouldn't fuse with the other Rubies. It always felt weird to me. Until I watched other gems, and realized I wanted to be a part of that.

And that was our downfall. Even if it wasn't what I was trying to do, I wanted her. And her guard was down just enough to let me in. I regret it. I wish I had just pushed her. I didn't want to do this. Now what is she gonna do…

But I know deep down, I loved it. Loved her to be exact. Garnet.

From a split second of being her I knew that was her name. And, I wish I hadn't felt the way I had. I wish I hadn't made her feel so scared, so lost, so afraid of who she was.

Because that's exactly what I am. Afraid. Afraid of liking other gems. Mouthing the words on my lips felt foreign, I'd never done this before. That's how she felt. About every piece of her body, the way I felt about mine. Not fitting in, and being afraid of being called out, of them finding out. And then what?

And then this. Sapphire was asleep. A ritual I had learned pretty recently, you close your eyes and your mind goes elsewhere. I could see her one eye behind her bangs, which were hanging off the side of her face. Her eye.

That, the one fear and self hatred that hadn't stemmed from me. Her eye. I walked over to my new companion and kissed her closed eyelid.

"It's beautiful." Sapphire seemed asleep. "Your beautiful. No matter what, I love it. And so should you. It makes you pretty. I never want you to feel that way again. Ever." I don't know who I was talking to more, Garnet or Sapphire. But I hoped they both listened.

I walked back outside in the rain, letting the cooling drops hit my skin. Will I always be this afraid of, myself? Even outside of homeworld? Will I always be this afraid of who I am? I always thought that if for some miracle, homeworld accepted intergem fusions, I would be ok, I would be happy. I would scream it from the top of the world. But now, I am only around one gem. One, gem. Who already knows this because I just fused with her! And kissed her while she was asleep!

I always thought that I wasn't afraid, that everyone else was afraid of me and I was waiting for them. But that's not the case.

The only person I'm waiting on is myself.

And I'm scared.

 **I don't know, at the end this seemed like it could have a sequal, but I'm not sure. If anyone wants a sequal, let me know and I will try to write one, but ultimately this can and was intended as a stand alone.**

 **I hope you enjoyed, updates to more things will come soon! :)**

 **\- My**


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